Fredericton — A local university graduate is amazed at his good fortune after 9 consecutive months of employment. John Moneybags (not his real name) spoke to The Manatee on condition of anonymity out of concern his financial windfall will attract unwanted media and creditor attention. What follows is a transcript of our interview with Mr. Moneybags. (DISCLOSURE: This transcript has been edited for clarity and because of our interviewer’s frequent interjections of “NO FUCKING WAY!” and “BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!”)
Manatee: We would just like to confirm: you spent approximately 9 months outside of a call-centre or labour job? I have to admit, I wasn’t sure that was even possible.
Moneybags: That’s a common misconception. I’ve done some research since I got this job at (EMPLOYER REDACTED), and apparently in previous decades people often graduated university and were able to make decent wages in any number of fields not directly related to working in a call centre or for an Irving-owned corporation. Details were hard to find, but if what I’ve read is correct, apparently such a thing was even possible for high school educated individuals as well.
Manatee: That’s amazing. So, I’ve been told that as part of this amazing run, you were actually not working at all during the evenings, and… now, let me know if I pronounce this incorrectly… had “weak-ends”? Tell me about that.
Moneybags: That’s OK; a lot of people find it hard to wrap their heads around this concept in New Brunswick. It’s called a “weekend,” and it’s basically these 2 days together at the end of the week where you don’t work at all. As for evenings — imagine that — instead of being at work you instead are at home between the hours of 5 p.m. to 8 a.m. the next morning.
Manatee: Simply revolutionary. Now, the second part of your experience that I think most New Brunswickers will find fascinating… your job paid above the minimum wage, which is currently $10.30 in the province. So are we talking like, $10.50 or even $11.00 here?
Moneybags: I meant to walk up to this slowly, but it’s pretty shocking. I was making $15 an hour.
Manatee: …Sorry. I need a moment.
Moneybags: Are you… are you crying?
Manatee: No… it’s just… so beautiful. Sorry. I’m good, I’m good. Just… tell us what $15 an hour let you do.
Moneybags: Well, I spent a lot of time paying down some bills. After that I was able to buy stuff that wasn’t just food, y’know? Real luxury stuff like new clothes and books and things like that. I even went out to restaurants a few times and travelled home.
Manatee: Are those new jeans you’re wearing now?
Moneybags: Why yes, they are.
Manatee: Could I… touch them?
Manatee: Of course. Sorry. So what are your long-term plans for the situation you’ve found yourself in? I’ve heard people approaching their 30s used to buy “houses” instead of living in apartments. Is that something you see in your future?
Moneybags: Well, actually, I think I’ve ridden the full-time employment tiger as long as anyone can. (EMPLOYER REDACTED) doesn’t itself have the money to keep me, so I’m looking for work again. Do you think I could write for The Manatee? That probably pays pretty well, right? Wait… are you crying again?
UPDATE: As we go to press, John Moneybags had gotten a new job at a local call centre. His friends report that they have not seen him for several weeks, and our 3 p.m. phone calls for further information have apparently caught Mr. Moneybags in the middle of his new “sleep all day, work all night” schedule. The reporter who covered this story for us has been on stress leave since the incident.