New Brunswick — The novel coronavirus, more commonly called COVID-19, has admitted that as much as it wants to spread like wildfire, it is no match for the almost $300 fine peace officers have been doling out to rule-breakers.
“I was going to infect that guy having a small gathering, but then I saw the peace officer roll up with his ticket book. I knew I wasn’t welcome there so I got outta dodge quick,” explained the virus.
“A $100 or $200 punishment may not be strong enough to kill me, but $300? Forget about it. Maybe on my next strain.”
The fines are often arbitrary, and do not truly deter the behaviours that lead to the spread of COVID-19, according to researchers.
On Campobello Island last month, a grocery store received a hefty fine from a power-crazed peace officer who himself was breaking the most basic safety regulations.
“Sucks for me,” said COVID-19. “There are hardly any people on that island. I could have taken ’em all out in about a week, it it weren’t for that thug with his ticket pad. Foiled again!”
The virus claims that it has been quite successful advancing in bars, restaurants, airports and gyms.
“I’m doing pretty well in those areas — I mean, look at the community spread! But it’s legal to be in those places, and in orange zones it’s not legal to visit your family, so these enforcement officers must know something I don’t. They’re always one step ahead of me!”
The virus said it was almost taken out completely when an officer fined 12 people $1,000 each who had gathered on a pier in Halifax.
“A grand just for standing around outdoors! Wow! I withered up and was left practically for dead by the mere notion of it,” the virus explained.
“I like to think I’ve grown and evolved, but these damn enforcement officers keep one-upping me by charging already struggling people more and more money. No virus could withstand it. Except for maybe herpes? That guy must have some secret to longevity I’m not in on.”