Saint John — The province has confirmed that nearly 2,000 doses of the Pfizer-BioNTech COVID-19 vaccine have arrived, with a second shipment arriving before the end of the year.
Fears that the vaccinations will soon become mandatory have lead local anti-vaxxers to develop their own vaccine that would counterbalance the effects of the COVID vaccine.
“It’s the only solution that makes any sense,” said anti-vax advocate Jenna Stein, a self-appointed authority on what she calls “common sense” initiatives.
She told The Manatee that she inherited her position on vaccines from her grandfather, who refused all vaccinations, or medical aid in general, lending credence to her claim that this form of protesting “runs in her blood,” along with polio, rubella and rotavirus.
Stein has developed the anti-vaccine, along with other members of her coalition, the Anti-Vax Brat Pack, in the basement of her two-storey Millidgeville home.
“We’re not about to let the government put a bunch of unknown chemicals into our children,” she explained, stirring a large vat of blue sludge stored in her washing machine. “We want to have complete control over what goes into our bodies.”
So what are the ingredients of this new anti-vaccine vaccine?
“Clorox and blue raspberry Kool-Aid, mostly,” said Stein, looking into the mix and wrinkling her nose. “I think there might be some olive oil in there, too.”
Stein said that she believes that freely distributing this disease to all vaccine skeptics in the province will immediately solve the anti-vax problem. Vaccination experts reluctantly agree, albeit for different reasons.
“We will protect ourselves from government tyranny or die trying,” Stein declared proudly. “Which, I’ve been told, is a distinct possibility if we inject this.”