White Cross jellyfish attempt to zap swimmers into religious fervour

Bay of Fundy — In the past couple of weeks, there has been a noted increase in White Cross jellyfish found in the Bay of Fundy, causing many to question whether or not these jellies ought to be allowed to push their religion on local swimmers.

“I don’t mind them too much,” said Norton resident Gloria Bell. “They’re much nicer and less aggressive than the usual jellyfish hooligans we get around here.”

jellyfishBut not everyone feels the same way, and some locals have not taken too kindly to these beach-side visitations by the Jellyfish of the White Cross community. Several people have claimed that they can’t even go for a quick dip in the bay without being accosted by 3 or 4 of them.

“I don’t like it when the Mormons do it, I don’t like it when the Jehovah’s Witnesses do it, and I sure as hell don’t like it when the damn jellyfish do it,” said fisherman Burt Reynolds [no relation].

The Jellyfish of the White Cross religion, established in 1838 by J.F. Brandt, has been widely criticized across Atlantic Canada, with some going so far as to describe it as a “cult,” and the jellyfish as nothing but “mindless followers.”

There have, however, been several recent human converts here in New Brunswick. The Manatee caught up with Charlie Evans, who became a member of the White Cross just 2 weeks ago.

“The White Cross has completely reshaped my life,” Evans said, floating listlessly in the Bay. “I am now calmer and more at peace than I could have possibly imagined — it was the best decision I’ve ever made.”

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