New Brunswick — The provincial government may soon be making some drastic cuts, all stemming from Victor Boudreau’s personal “Burn Book” that he created over the course of the last few months after having finally gotten around to watching the popular 2004 film Mean Girls.
MLAs from all around New Brunswick gathered at Fredericton’s City Hall on Friday afternoon to cut a cake resembling the infamous book, baked personally by Mayor Brad Woodside, the self-described “alpha Plastic of Fredericton.” The politicians nervously picked at their cake while awaiting Boudreau’s personalized appraisals.
Boudreau said that, while he identified with Lindsay Lohan’s kind and ethical character in Mean Girls, he couldn’t discount the merit in producing an actual burn book for New Brunswick. “I took every politician and public figure who drive me nuts, and etched mean things — well, mostly mean — about them in my book,” he explained, tossing his piece of too-caloric cake in the trash and puckering his lips at his reflection in a vertical mirror. “It took a lot of time, but I was very thorough and I think most New Brunswickers will agree with my assessments.”
Some of the things Boudreau wrote are accurate, according to this reporter. Others are just mean for the sake of being mean, and many are just taken directly from the movie. He stood at a podium, cleared his throat, and read aloud:
- Premier Gallant made out with a hotdog.
- MP Keith Ashfield is too old to function.
- Mayor Mel Norton will never be as cool as his brother, Greg, and we all know it.
- Rodney Weston didn’t shower for a whole month this summer.
- Mayor George LeBlanc can’t even point Moncton out on a map.
- Matt DeCourcey and Brian Gallant are the same person.
- Donald Arseneault is a grotsky little byotch.
- Roger Melanson is a fugly old drug pusher.
- Denis Landry wore the same outfit 3 times last week.
- David Coon is N.B.’s Aaron Samuels; more like David Swoon!
He kept reading as the distraught audience slowly trickled out of the building, humiliated. Finally, Boudreau shut the book and sealed it in his backpack until this time next near.
Boudreau said he hopes that once the contents of the book is publicized, people of New Brunswick will begin to think twice about who’s in power and and will strip the current leaders of their positions and social status. “I thought about it and I feel like I’m the top Plastic in this province,” he said with a sly smile. “Besides, I injected a ton of lard into that cake so they’ll all get fat — then who will want them!?”