New Brunswick — Thousands have long believed in the ominous presence of the New Brunswick Illuminati (NBI), a secret group of the most powerful people in the province who influence our politicians, law enforcement officials and big businesses. Until now, the believers were shunned and labelled “lunatics,” “crackpots” or “Charles Leblanc.” Recent investigations by CBC’s Robert Jones have unearthed undeniable evidence that the NBI does indeed exist, and said investigations have also outed some of the NBI’s leading members.
Jones said that while reporting on the numerous large tax concessions being allowed by the provincial government to companies such as Irving and McCain, he began to notice a pattern in the corporate imagery and language that matched speeches by members of Brian Gallant’s cabinet.
“When I heard Minister of Finance Cathy Rogers repeatedly dodge commitments to government transparency, I noticed that she was wearing a ring with an eye motif — I had seen that same ring worn by Jim Irving, Brian Gallant and in old photos of Wallace McCain,” explained Jones. “I started to do some digging. That’s when I got an email from someone calling themselves ‘Deep Bloat’ pointing out that under an ultraviolet light the GNB letterheard has an eye that appears on the sail.”
Jones’s source turned out to be Local “truth finder” Gary McAllister. McAllister was eager to share the piles of evidence he has collected over the years, including candid photos of Brian Gallant and former premiers, each with the same shadowy man appearing in the background. His dingy basement apartment has a map of New Brunswick covering an entire wall, with strings pinned onto the map, connecting sightings of the aforementioned figure.
“This man has appeared anywhere someone in power is being questioned about taxes, policies, patronage appointments, any dirt that gets dug up,” explained a frantic McAllister. “This goes back to when New Brunswick was first colonized! And that’s not all. I have documented proof that the tax money the public pays is given as forgivable business loans to the Irvings and McCains.
“Hell, rearrange BNI [Brunswick News Incorporated] and what do you get? NBI!” elaborated McAllister. “You can’t make this stuff up. Look at this — McCain’s logo upside down spells ‘MODOW’. Modow, Inc. is registered with Service New Brunswick. It’s a company that Brian Gallant consulted for before becoming premier!”
Irving, McCain Foods along with every Liberal cabinet member all declined to comment for this story. Many of The Manatee reporters have noticed a shadowy figure trailing them as they cover the news. Jones, now knee-deep in his investigation, offers little solace to newly enlightened New Brunswickers such as himself.
“The truth is out there. They can raise our gas prices, our taxes, our grocery bills, but they can’t silence us all,” said a haggard Jones. Our dedicated Manatee reporter noticed a glint on Jones’s hand and thought he caught a quick glimpse of an eye motif, but quickly dismissed it as part of his increasing paranoia.
“It’s a rough, lonely life on the path to the truth. But I’d rather die than let the New Brunswick Illuminati gain one more ounce of power over us.”