New Brunswick — What comes around every year, always gets worse, and somehow surprises everyone in the province? No, not gonorrhea! It’s the annual spring flood, of course.
The Manatee has put together this handy list of tips for dealing with the flood. With the most minimal effort on your part, the 2019 flood doesn’t need to be devastating, and could even be fun for the whole family!
1. Surround your house in ultra-absorbing diapers. These bad boys can absorb water like no one’s business. Trust us. We at The Manatee often have to babysit since we don’t have real jobs, and that’s how we figured out that diapers could be the solution to New Brunswick’s flooding problem. How to get around the cost? Tell your friends that you’re having a baby and throw a diaper party. Then build yourself a diaper wall on the lawn and fear the flood no longer.
2. Invest in a houseboat. The ultimate flood-proof solution; if the river floods, your house floats. And instead of paying ridiculously high property taxes, you just have to pay a small mooring fee at the docks. Also, your home is mobile. Do you hate driving? With a houseboat you can spend the day going from Fredericton to Saint John while lying on the couch in the comfort of your home!
3. Don’t buy homes directly next to the river. And if you already have, maybe it’s time to consider selling. We know, we know, you have to have that riverfront property to show up the inlaws and your siblings, but is it really worth having your basement flood every year just to be next to some brownish-green water that you’ll never go swimming in? Besides, that riverside property will turn into an underwater wreck in just in a few years when NB Power takes down the Mactaquac Dam.
4. Make your basement into a indoor pool. Let’s face the facts — you aren’t going to move, and you aren’t going to splurge on anti-flood measures for your property, so why not just embrace it? Rip all the carpeting and floorboards out of your basement, pour in a nice concrete base, buy a few litres of chlorine and when the flood hits — BAM! You’ve got yourself a nice indoor pool. It you have water heating rather than electric baseboards, you can leave them in to turn the place into a luxurious hottub. And everyone love a guy with a hottub.
5. Don’t worry about it. After all, when has sitting around fretting about the future ever solved anything? Life is about living in the moment and appreciating what you have in the present. Don’t waste your time worrying about an annual flood that might happen. And when the flood does come and it ruins your home, deal with it then. You’ll be able to complain to the news, insurance companies and government that other people should have to pay for your choices. And chances are they probably will. Who doesn’t love surprises? Most New Brunswickers live this way anyway.