Kennebecasis Valley — An action plan to drastically cull the deer overpopulation in southwestern New Brunswick came too late for residents of Rothesay and Quispamsis.
On Tuesday, deer infected with the now-infamous “zombie deer disease” violently murdered and consumed an estimated 12,000 Valley residents in a horrifying feeding frenzy. Now, violent herds of undead deer driven by relentless blood-lust are roaming through the towns in search of human flesh.
“We always kind of suspected that the zombie apocalypse would kick off in New Brunswick,” said Health Canada infectious disease specialist Sara Beesh. “We thought the New Brunswick vectors for infection would have been something like…contaminated vape juice, or some weird mutation of like… ‘super-diabetes.’
“Zombie effin’ deer though, we did not see this coming,” she said, shaking her head. “Typical New Brunswick bullshit if you ask me. Next, the deer will probably start fighting over equal consumption of French and English people, amirite?”
Beesh explained that the “fancy paleo-gluten-free-vegetarian-vegan bullshit diets” common in Rothesay and Quispamsis make the residents especially tasty targets for the carnivorous creatures. “They seem to prefer 100 per cent organic people over everyone else. Not keto people though — they’re mostly gristle.”
Aside from the hordes of living-dead deer beating humans to death with their tiny hoofs and consuming their flesh, Health Canada is also warning of an even more dire concern.
“There is a very good chance that this prion disease could jump over to humans if the infected deer are consumed, like mad cow disease,” warned Beesh. “It is critical that New Brunswickers refrain from consuming any deer meat until this crisis has past.”
However, many local hunters remain skeptical. “You mean that I kill a deer — in like a fair fight this time because it was hunting me too — and then I’m not supposed to eat it?” said one hunter.
“Pffffffft! Yeah right.”