New Brunswick — We hate to break it to political junkies, but some of us prefer heroin.
Earlier this week, the CBC published an article that deftly presented intelligent counterarguments for common excuses people often use for not voting.
What the article failed to do, however, was acknowledge that there are, in fact, several legitimate reasons for not being able to vote in your local provincial elections.
In an effort to correct this oversight, we offer just a few of them here.
#1–I’m dead.
This is the most common excuse used by non-voters, and we must admit that, in the vast majority of cases, the claim is pretty easily validated.
We fully understand the complications implicit in being a dead voter, although we strongly encourage the deceased to make every possible effort to make their voice heard, as long as it isn’t too spooky.
#2–I’m trapped in a mine shaft.
It’s not always easy to get yourself to a voting station. We know that. While voting advocacy groups are extending every effort to improve accessibility for voting, there is one group that is consistently ignored — those trapped in a mine shaft.
Whether it be because your ladder broke, a total cave-in, or a 127 Hours situation, there are a number of people who simply cannot get themselves out to vote in time. Sure, you can yell your choice up to a loyal companion like Lassie, which she can then relate to your local voting station. But, then again, Lassie’s got a well-known Liberal bias.
#3–All of the candidates are my children.
One of the most common expressions employed to describe a difficult decision is that it’s like “choosing between your children,” though few ever have to actually face this conundrum.
However unlikely it may be, we must acknowledge the slight possibility that several of your children have independently decided to pursue politics while holding drastically divergent points of view on social and fiscal issues.
Taking this further, we conceded that is not impossible that these siblings all run against one another in a single provincial election.
If that’s the case, man, please don’t feel the need to Sophie’s Choice it. You can sit this one out.
#4–The election isn’t taking place in my district/country.
We don’t wish to suggest that municipal elections in southern Nauru have no impact whatsoever on your daily life, but we must agree that it probably may not be worth the 38-hour flight and study necessary to make an educated decision.
If you’re not at all eligible or legally able to vote in the area, then we guess you’re off the hook.
#5–I’m planning to vote for the Green Party.
Well then yeah, why bother?
#6–I don’t live in a democracy.
OK. Yes, it is true that not everyone has the right to vote. There are plenty of places in this world that don’t allow for regular democratic elections. Mushroom Kingdom, for example. There is no end in sight for the Peach dynasty, barring a Koopa Troopa military uprising or something. I mean, could you imagine a Toadstool ever being elected to public office? Forget it — it’s never going to happen.
Knowing this, the rest of us should be all the more thankful we’re able to live in a province that allows us the privilege to make a binary decision between two candidates beholden to the Irving aristocracy. Long live Big Oil!