New Brunswick — Back to school is typically a thrilling time of year for parents in the Picture Province, but this September it’s being met with confusion and outrage as they learn of a new health program being enforced by school districts province-wide.
“I got an email from my kids’ school last week that said they’re banning pretty much everything,” expressed a concerned Heather Ferrat, mother of two. “It said the cafeteria will only be supplying a variety of apples and carrots this year, and although they cannot place demands on what we send in our children’s lunches, they will be monitoring them closely and sending us parents shaming emails when they disapprove.”
District officials explained that the change in menu is necessary due to the increasing number of obese children in the province.
“It’s become apparent that parents aren’t interested in helping these fat kids,” explained Janice Posh, who works out of Moncton. “So somebody has to. We’ve tried over the last several years to teach children and parents to make smart, healthy choices, but obviously that approach hasn’t worked. This was really our only recourse.”
Posh said district officials and schools everywhere have been flooded with angry emails and phone calls over the sudden change and to inquire as to why it’s only apples and carrots being offered.
“The apples were an easy choice,” she explained. “We’re coming into apple season, so we’ll take a field trip to an orchard and get the kids to pick our year supply. And choosing carrots was multi-purpose. First off, they’re cheap. Secondly, they’re supposed to help vision, so maybe these kids will eat them and start seeing just how fat they really are.
“We have parents threatening to home-school their children so they can feed them whatever garbage they want to. We have people telling us how terrible we are for trying to change the lives of these fatties. We’re not the bad guys here. We’re just trying to teach them to be healthy and set them up so they can possibly live past the age of 50.”
Kyle Doiron of Miramichi, who has three overweight children, suggests schools may have different motives for wanting to implement these healthy changes.
“I know a guy who has a cousin who knows a teacher, and he said that that person said that the teacher told him that this is all because teachers are punishing bullies too much for making fun of the fat kids,” he stated. “So much so that they can’t keep up. Apparently they’ve got so many kids in detention all the time that they’re not getting any free periods to plan or socialize.”
It’s also been revealed that these dietary restrictions are reaching well beyond the cafeteria menu; schools will also not be allowed to encourage or participate in any events that promote unhealthy eating.
“No selling chocolate bars, no bake sales for raising funds, no candy to bribe bad kids with,” listed teacher Geoff Barnaby of Saint John. “No birthday celebrations that entail cake or cookies, no Halloween candy exchange, no Valentine’s Day parties — nothing! If we can’t celebrate with apples and carrots, we don’t celebrate at all.”
School-aged children are also expressing outrage over the new menu.
“Apples and carrots?” grunted eight-year-old Dana Bilston of Fredericton. “That’s what horses eat and they’re the fattest animal in the world.”