Moncton — Facing increasing pressure from their millions of customers, Air Canada is taking the drastic step of allowing “emotional support humans” to travel, free of charge, as if their owners’ made-up problems are real.
“Without my boyfriend on board, I’m a nervous wreck,” said Emily Handel of Moncton. “My anxiety is out of control. I made the case to the airline that he’s my ‘emotional support boyfriend’ — if people can bring their peacocks and alligators on board, why not Jeff? — and they went for it. Other people noticed and now they have to let everyone do it.
“I’m a pioneer!” she added, clutching Jeff’s arm.
Air Canada said there will be some rules in place around the new policy — though not many.
“Look, we just have to go along with whatever bullshit is in the mainstream media or people will write us bad reviews on Facebook and tattle on us to news organizations so a big story comes out saying we’re evil,” said Air Canada rep Steve Zollander, rubbing his temples and sighing.
“So…I guess we just ask that you keep your emotional support people on a leash — so we can tell who’s the customer and who’s the security blanket. And due to budgetary constraints each emotional support human can only have one complimentary beverage and snack on board, regardless of flight duration.”
“Can I fly for free if I’m my own emotional support person?” asked Kolbie Yerxa. “My doctor’s a sucker — I bet I could convince him to write me a note, if that’s what it takes.”
“Legally we’re not allowed to ask for a doctor’s note; we have to take your word for it,” said Zollander. “We’re simply begging people not to take advantage of us.”
Obviously, everyone is taking advantage of the new “offer.”
“I just booked an all-inclusive resort vacay, and I’m bringing all my girlfriends for, you know, emotional support,” stated Ally Everton, a St. Thomas University student. “I mean Bailey just makes everything fun, and Tabitha always compliments me when I’m feeling down, and Sarah is just, like, my rock, you know? I can’t imagine leaving town without any of them!”
The girls divided the cost of a single ticket, and charged it to Bailey’s dad’s credit card — making their trip free.
Frequent-flyer Arlene Plymouth said the “emotional support” phenomenon has gotten out of hand.
“I’ve been paying for my own trips for decades. Most of the times flights are completely booked months in advance. I can’t imagine what this will mean going forward…so a half-booked flight will now be full of so-called ‘emotional support humans’? How will Air Canada turn a profit? And can I get my money back retroactively if I claim I always needed an emotional support person but never had one?”
Zollander said they’ll be recouping costs by charging babies to fly. “Let’s face it. No one feels ‘supported’ when there’s a screaming baby around. Parents will have to pay full price to bring their brats aboard.”
Some oddball customers who aren’t comforted by livings things are currently petitioning the airline to allow them to bring their “emotional support guns” on board as well.
“We’ve only had one or two instances of violence resulting from our various ‘emotional support’ programs so far — like last week when an emotional support bear ate an emotional support human — so we think the gun thing might be inevitable,” said Zollander. “Stay tuned.”