Alarming UNB study finds death can seriously hamper human lifespans

Alarming UNB study finds death can seriously hamper human lifespans

Fredericton — A new study from University of New Brunswick professor Ronnie Patel has found that death does in fact have a serious impact on human lifespans.

“Our research is really groundbreaking. The effects of death on the human lifespan has never been studied before,” Patel said.

The findings, which were published on Monday by UNB’s biomedical sciences department, has discovered that death has at least a 75 per cent chance of reducing the human lifespan. Canada’s medical association was completely perplexed as to how they could have missed such a grandiose disease. The association’s top researchers are now working with Patel to better understand this shocking new ailment.

Since the findings have been released, Canadians have been taking the news to heart.

“The day the study came out I decided to quit my job as a paralegal,” Moncton resident Zayna Malouri said. “I really want to travel. I don’t know where yet but I will figure that out.”

Malouri explained that the study was completely “eye-opening” for her, noting that it has shed light on how she wants to live her life forever — or at least until she dies.

Other residents have expressed similar sentiments, with the province’s unemployment rate on a steady rise since the study’s release.

“I’m glad that my findings are inspiring people to seize the day,” Patel said. “This disease is not something to be taken lightly.”

Canada’s Centre for Disease Control and Prevention has funnelled millions of dollars into researching more about the dismaying disease. The full report is expected to be released in the Journal of Human Genes and Diseases next month.

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