Crazy hippies ‘shocked’ they weren’t consulted concerning tree removal in Officers’ Square

Crazy hippies ‘shocked’ they weren’t consulted concerning tree removal in Officers’ Square

Fredericton — The Fredericton Tree Commission expressed displeasure early Monday after learning that they were not consulted in the decision to remove 19 trees from Officers’ Square. Similarly, a smaller group of insane hippie people have also claimed that their input had not been a factor in the decision.

While they have no name, slogan, or coherent overarching ideology, the group has enough rallying power to band together in a way that could be interpreted as a “collective,” one that is “shocked” that they continue to be left out of the city’s ecological decisions.

“Believe it or not, this is the first I’ve heard about the tree removal,” said Phillip Hubbukaka (alias), the de facto leader of the group. “And I can see time.”

Several of these weirdos gathered Monday in Officers’ Square to make their opposition to the tree removal known.

“We’ve been speaking with the trees all morning,” said Samantha Godfried, a woman wearing what could only be described as a second-hand clown costume. “I can tell you, unequivocally, that if given the option between getting cut down and not getting cut down, these trees would much rather they weren’t.”

After making her statement, she proceeded to move from tree to tree, hugging each one and pressing her ear against the bark.

“This one says that Officers’ Square is its home. This one says that it only ever wanted to provide oxygen to the people of Fredericton. This one here is asking me if I’ve ever seen the Evil Dead, because he’d like to…What? Ugh!”

She recoiled, disgusted, and slapped the tree across one of its branches.

“Just what year does this tree think it is — 2016?!” she cried. “Gross! #TreeToo, man, #TreeToo!”

This incident effectively put a damper on the rest of the proceedings, as none of the protesters present wanted to provide further support to problematic trees, or be seen as condoning toxic arborism. Needless to say, the event came to an end shortly afterwards, and everyone went home feeling pretty rotten.

Although the initiative to stop the cutting of trees in Officers’ Square has since petered out, participation in the #TreeToo movement has grown exponentially over the past 48 hours, with protests cropping up around several wooded areas across the city.

Premier Brian Gallant was quick to add his support to the campaign. “I’ve heard terrible stories about trees making suggestive gestures with their branches, snagging on clothing, and, in extreme cases, not averting their gaze as people ‘do their business’ in the forest,” he told reporters. “It’s disgusting. It really is.”

Now being met with little resistance, the city expects to begin the tree removal as early as this week, while public opinion is still swinging in their favour.

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