North Sydney — It was chaos Friday night at a North Sydney motel and pizzeria after Marine Atlantic accidentally overbooked its ferry run to Port aux Basques.
“Sometime between their mid-afternoon and pre-supper coffee breaks, our reservations staff realized that the cocksucker had been overbooked!” explained Fred Sampson, a spokesman for Marine Atlantic. “We figured the only fix was to ask for volunteers to take tomorrow’s run in exchange for two slices of pizza from Bianchini’s, a six-pack of Wildcat and a room at the Clansman Motel.
“We made the announcement, and suddenly it was like Noah’s freakin’ ark out there, only in reverse… and a lot of the animals were wearing pajama pants.”
One of the “volunteers” in line at the pizzeria was Shawna MacDonald, with three small children in tow. We asked her why she decided to abandon ship. “Well, ever since the price of oil dropped off, the child support payments from that dirtbag Newfie ass-hat these kids call Dad have been iffy at best. We were on our way to Corner Brook so the kids could spend some quality time with him, when this deal just fell into my lap.
“The kids love pizza and the Clansman is third out of four hotels in the greater North Sydney area according to TripAdvisor, so I though to hell with it!” she went on. “I haven’t had a vacation in forever and that dick Richard can wait another couple of hours to see his spawn.”
Another “volunteer” in line to get his room at the Clansman was Big Jim, a trucker from Codroy Valley. With his foiled-up pizza, donair sauce and six-pack in hand he explained: “Ya don’t get an opportunity like this slap yur in the ass every day thar bye! Free pizza, booze and a bed, this must be like dem all-exclusive tropical islands down south that the kids won’t shut up about, except without that fruitcake Johnny Depp! Plus the Leafs are on the CBC tonight — I couldn’t pass that up.”
Sampson appeared weary and worn-down. “The problem is tomorrow’s ferry is overbooked now, so we’ll have to come up with some other incentive to remedy that,” he said.
“Perhaps we’ll offer a day trip into the city — people seem to like that Big Fiddle… maybe it reminds them that no matter where they’re from at least the most interesting thing around isn’t a giant musical instrument that you can’t even play.”