Notre-Dame-des-Érables — The RCMP have opened an investigation in Gloucester County after up-and-coming local rapper REALeyeZ dropped his latest mixtape yesterday morning.
“Oh my god, dude. It’s so fire,” said Cpl. Andrew Jaffee. “You can’t even try to deny it.”
The mixtape, Hot/Cold/Dark/Light/Up/Down, is the 24-year-old rapper’s third official release, following 2015’s Da Great Gasp-Bee, and FUCK in 2013. This is the first time, however, that his music has been under criminal investigation.
In addition to the arson charges, the tape was deemed to be so dope that the narcotics division had to become involved as well.
“Man, I can tell you shit is straight dope if I’ve ever seent it,” said Cpl. Marcus Delaney, solemnly. “Matterfact — raw and uncut too, dawg. It gets between us like an intravenous, knowwhatimean?”
He then chuckled heartily and slapped palms with his fellow officers.
Apart from these ongoing investigations, there are rumours that the homicide division has begun looking into exactly how killer the tape actually is, and whether it warrants a full RCMP investigation.
It has also been determined by local government officials that REALeyeZ had “eaten so many other rappers” on the tape that “some sort of tax must apply.”
REALeyeZ himself has been characteristically quiet on the matter, preferring to let the music speak for itself.
“I just wanted to, like, put it out there, you know? That’s my message, you know? I’m just trying to tell it like it is, you know? Real talk.”