Army worms returning to Maritimes for revenge

Army worms returning to Maritimes for revenge

New Brunswick — They’re back, and this time it’s personal. More than 10 years after their last mass attack on Maritime lawns, trees, fields and everything else, army worms are flocking to Atlantic Canada to wreak havoc once again.

Scientists at the University of New Brunswick said that lab tests are showing that over the years, the disgusting little creatures have evolved an immunity to most pesticides, have developed a hive mind, and have even become fire-proof.

“We’ve spotted vast groups of army worms in key strategic points around the Maritimes, usually tackling crops from large food providers like McCain and Cavendish Farms. It’s almost like they’re strategizing on how to take over,” said a bewildered Hilda Johnson, one of the UNB researchers studying the phenomenon.

“If we don’t figure out a way to kill the nasty things soon, we’re predicting that the army worms’ sheer numbers will make it impossible to go outside without wearing a biohazard suit. And that’s the best-case scenario.”

Some Maritimers vividly remember the last time the army worms infested their properties, and how devastating it was for their families.

“When the army worms attacked in 2001, I suffered about $5,000 in losses from destroyed crops,” said Joe Turner, a Farmer in Miramichi. “This time we’ve already been woken up a few nights in a row by the army worms chewing away at our house foundations. They’re actually trying to kill us!”

The Atlantic premiers are calling for Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to send in the military to rid the Maritimes of the pest. But already highways, airports and landing strips are becoming unusable due to the slippery mounds of army worms coating the ground.

“At this point we’re looking at nuking the whole damn Maritimes before the buggers spread to Quebec, Ontario and the more important provinces,” admitted Sgt. Robert Kilpatrick of Base Gagetown.

“If you haven’t evacuated yet, you better get out of here in the next two weeks. I fully expect us to go nuclear by mid-June.”

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