New Brunswick — Premier Blaine Higgs is putting actions behind his words by vowing to personally vaccinate each and every New Brunswicker over the course of the next three months.
“Vaccination can’t be optional!” he shouted. “I’m tasked with protecting and serving the people of New Brunswick and looking out for their best interests — even the French — and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”
The report comes on the heels of an outbreak of measles in Saint John which has been spreading daily, leading the premier to take a hard stance on the issue.
“For far too long, these crazy hippies have been saying ‘no’ to vaccination because they think there are little tiny aliens in the medicine or something — I can’t remember exactly what Kris Austin told me. But whatever it is, doesn’t matter. The spread of disease needs to stop now! Too many people are getting sick or looking ugly and it’s getting out of control. It’s my job to do something about it.”
Higgs plans to go door-to-door beginning today, personally injecting everyone in the province with what he calls “an exotic cocktail of every vaccine I can find.”
Our reporter asked New Brunswickers how they feel about these mandatory vaccinations.
“My body, my choice!” screamed an irate Devon Timberlake of Bathurst. “The government can’t tell me what I can or cannot do with my body — that’s why it’s called my body. If I want to get measles and spread it to people all around the city, I should be able to do so freely without any consequences. If I want to set my body on fire and then go sit on a park bench and the whole province burns down because of it — so be it. My body, my choice.”
Marla Wallis of Edmunston was much more supportive of the idea of being injected by the premier himself.
“That man is so dreamy,” she said, clearly not knowing that Brian Gallant is no longer premier. “I just love his hair and his eyes and his trim physique. He can stick a needle into me any time he wants.”
When asked whether he’s experienced any pressure from doctors or pharmaceutical companies, Higgs assured the public that this is solely his idea and he is acting on his own volition.
“Older people are much more susceptible to infection because of our weaker immune systems — I’ve gotta look out for myself here.”