Bathurst — Bernard Fellows, 29, of Bathurst, has recently admitted that he thinks he’s smarter than everyone he knows. “I think I’ve always sort of felt this way,” he said, carefully choosing his words. “It’s not that my cohorts aren’t intelligent, because they certainly are, I’m just on a different level than them. They see problems, I see solutions. They see obstacles, I see possibilities. They see ripped jeans, I see jean-shorts.”
“Bernie has always thought he was somethin’ special,” said Fellows’ co-worker Jamie Calhoun. “Really though, he’s just like the rest of us — he puts his camo-sweats on one leg at a time. He tried 2 legs together once and fell flat on his face — funniest thing I ever saw.”
“That only happened because I was drinking that morning,” said Fellows when The Manatee asked about the pant incident. “The lads thought they were being cheeky and got me a little tipsy before I had to go to work. So I was in a hurry to get ready and tried to put my pants on really quickly, 2 legs at a time, and just lost my balance. Could have happened to anyone — even the most clever of people.”
Fellows and Calhoun are general maintenance workers for the provincial Department of Transportation. “I could probably be a scientist of some kind,” suggested Fellows. “I could if I wanted to I’m sure, I just don’t have the patience to sit in a lab all day long and learn from people dumber than me. Also, I really don’t like white coats; you wear a white coat and you’re just asking to squirt mustard all over it.”
The Manatee spoke to Fellows’ Grade 11 teacher about his academic prowess. “He was a below-average student, to say the least,” explained Mr. Bridges. “I remember one specific essay he wrote for English where he tried to explain why he thought Robert Munsch was the greatest writer of the 20th century.”
“I Have to Go is a literary classic,” defended Fellows. “It perfectly illustrates the perils of having to go to the bathroom when you’re stuck in a snowsuit in the middle of a seemingly never-ending road-trip. Don’t even get me started on Love You Forever.”
The Manatee was able to obtain transcripts of Fellows’ school marks from grades 1 through 12 and found that the self-described “intellectual being” repeated the 3rd grade twice before advancing to Grade 4. “By the end of that third year of Grade 3 I was a boss, though,” proudly exclaimed Fellows. “Not only did I win almost every spelling bee and math drill, but I killed at tetherball too — almost literally.”
The transcripts painted a different picture of academic excellence than that described by the balding Fellows. His high school math average was a paltry 62 percent, science was a lowly 64 percent and his best subject, geography, averaged out at a very modest 73 percent. Our reporter found no evidence that Fellows excelled at any extracurricular activities, nor did he have a particularly strong degree of knowledge concerning any trade, worldly issue or theological matter. The Manatee did, however, find that Fellows has a vast knowledge of anything concerning the original Star Wars trilogy.
“Episodes 1 through 3 can f*** right off,” said a disgusted Fellows. “I’ve got some rules that I like to live by: if it ain’t got Luke, it ain’t worth a look. If Hans off, my hands are off. If it doesn’t have Chewie, I’m not chewin’ it. No Boba Fett, I’m not watchin’ it. I’ve got like 12 more but you get the point.”
Fellows grew frustrated with our reporter’s inquests into his alleged intelligence and assured The Manatee that he is the smartest person he knows. “I’m super smart and the proof is in the putting,” he said with confidence, though our reporter assumes he meant “pudding.” “I scored near-genius on one of those online GQ tests, I’ve got a high school diploma and my mother always told me that I was as sharp as a whip — what more evidence do you need?”