New Brunswick — Sad, if not shocking news came from the Atlantic Environmental Research and Preservation Institute today. In a statement to the press, spokesperson for the organization Michael Croft said that from the last study conducted in 1985, the north Atlantic shit fly population has fallen from 789 billion to a staggering 726 billion.
The study, which counted the average number of shit flies per square inch of fecal matter left in the wild, showed a clear drop in the much-beloved New Brunswick insect. “If this trend continues,” said Croft, “we could see the North Atlantic shit fly go extinct in as few as 500 years.”
News of the species’ decline has left many in the province discouraged.
“It’s a real shame,” said Edmundston man Perry Leblanc. “When the snowed finally melted I went out to clear the dog poo off my front lawn, and yeah, it definitely seemed like there were slightly fewer shit flies around. I felt so sorry for the poor little guys I even left a few dog poos out there so they wouldn’t get hungry.”
“Things are bad enough around here already,” said Moncton resident Todd Gallant. “First we hunt the eastern wolf to extinction in our province, and now we’re letting the shit flies die on us somehow? It’s just outright depressing.”
Croft was unsure what sort of impact the potential loss of the species would have on the province’s ecosystem, but speculated the outcome would not be positive. “We’re not exactly sure where the shit fly stands in terms of the food chain. But even if a loss of the species had no negative effects on the province’s ecosystem, I think we can all agree simply losing this beautiful, majestic, shit-eating insect would be a real tragedy.”