Fredericton — Professors and graduate students crowded around a newly constructed vacuum chamber at UNB Fredericton today and marvelled at what had appeared out of thin, non-existent air. From the observation area they gradually noticed a dozen white males hobbled together. The group appeared to be chanting although there was no medium through which the sound could be carried.
Upon being released, a chorus of “Unilingualism is here to stay!” was eventually discerned.
“It was difficult to tell at first what they wanted; they kept starting the chant at different times,” said lead researcher Dr. Heather Lasky. “They gave us all pamphlets.”
One of the protestors, who asked to remain anonymous, held a Bristol board sign that detailed how to make a model volcano out of baking soda. When asked what about the meaning of his sign, he looked down, and turned it over to reveal another sign that simply read “JOBS.” “Yeah, the other one was my daughter’s project. We’re so proud of her… she takes French immersion.”
Dan Foster, the self-proclaimed leader of the protest, whose matter had been formed from rogue scattering atoms minutes before, vehemently insisted: “It’s not a race thing — it’s not about race. Were not racists or anything!” Foster mentioned that there was a francophone unilingual protestor who wanted to be there but couldn’t make it. “His name is Guy, so, there you go.”
When the protest ended less than hour later, the subjects were ushered to a Service Canada location by a graduate student. “I figured they could get the ball rolling on [getting] some citizenship papers, having materialized on Canadian soil,” said PhD candidate Peshma Lahiri. “Even though they were less than an hour old, they seemed to know the streets really well. They all argued about which was the best way to get to Queen Street.”
When reached for comment, Richard Smith, director of the Anglophone Rights Network of New Brunswick (ARNNB), thought the experiments were a step in the right direction. “It’s great to have a dozen or so new folks that believe in the cause… the ARNNB supports the work of the UNB physics lab.”
This is why I try to avoid voids in conversation in my combined household (French and English). Apparently it works fine in a vacuum, but in real life there’s all these impurities that get mixed in and the results are less than tolerable. Less coherent, more profane, sometimes with a poorly formed brother jutting out of an abdomen. It is to be a-void-ed (ha!) in good company.
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