Fredericton — This week, a confirmed case of the measles was diagnosed in Saint John, the first the province has seen in over two years.
Concerned that the virus would slowly spread to members of his own party, Premier Blaine Higgs decided to host a small get-together at his home to infect his entire cabinet at once.
“I thought it was best to get it all over with in one fell swoop,” Higgs told The Manatee. “Personally, I thought it was best to contract it now, while I’m still young.”
While the spread could have just as easily been contained by issuing vaccines to his ministers, Higgs said that he wasn’t interested in having a “cabinet full of Rain Men.” Consequently, he decided he would be more comfortable resolving the issue in what he termed “the old-fashioned way.”
Still, it’s an unconventional idea. Did his colleagues readily agree with this plan?
“Are you kidding?” he said, taken aback. “It’s hard enough getting these people to come over for a potluck, let alone to contract a potentially deadly virus.”
He explained that he invited the members of his cabinet over to his house under the guise of it being a “chocolate fondue tasting party.”
“They came in, and I had them close their eyes and stick out their tongue,” Higgs explained. “Then, instead of the promised chocolate-covered treat, I had Jeremy here spit in their mouth.”
Because every member of Higgs’s government is now infected with the disease at once, the government is effectively shut down during their collective convalescence. Did the premier have any reservations about his cabinet missing so much time?
“Oh yes,” he said with a laugh. “I’m terribly sorry to be missing out on all of this nasty flood business.”
The laugh, genuine and full-throated, quickly devolved into a coughing fit before Higgs passed out, bashing his head off his desk on the way to the floor.