New Brunswick — Idiots who are sick of “the CBC” and its “left-wing agenda” have finally had enough, and are calling for the national broadcaster to be defunded. Instead, say these morons, we should take all that taxpayer money and give it to the real heroes — angry old guys yelling their version of the news from their beat-up Dodge Dakota.
“I haven’t listened to the CBC in probably 10 years. It’s shit. For that reason it should be ‘dismantled’ — which is a word I saw on Facebook and I think applies here,” said Bob Nesbit of Oromocto.
“I don’t get my news from traditional sources — I’m a ‘think outside the box’ kinda guy,” Nesbit went on. “I want to hear legit news from a guy who looks, acts, and thinks like me…you know, someone smart who’s recording themselves rant about Trudeau while driving to the gas station.”
Numbskulls across New Brunswick say they get most of their news from social media, but that our country could really benefit from a surge of funding directly to the source of the best and most reliable data.
“I’ve been saying the CBC should be torn apart for years,” said Dirk Van Horne, who spends most of his time driving up and down his street, rolling down the window when he passes other angry old truck-drivers, to share his news with them. “Who needs it? Journalism is dead and truck-yellin’ is alive and well — get over it, people!
“If I got paid to do what I do anyway, I’d be able to put more time into finding out news about everything from vaccines causing autism to flat-Earth theories to why global warming is a myth and why you should never vote Liberal! Now that’s a world I wanna live in.”
Van Horne’s YouTube channel — which features poorly shot footage of his face from a weird, low angle, and his screaming about mileage while waiting in the Tim Hortons drive-thru line — is thriving, because of the sheer number of fucking dunces in the Picture Province who eat it up.
“Yeah, screw the CBC!” cried Sheryl Watson of Boiestown who believes that Andrew Scheer would make an excellent prime minister simply because he’s “not some damned bleeding heart.”
“I hate how they keep telling me what’s happening, when it happened, and all these so-called ‘facts.’ It’s pretty arrogant. I want to see some more down-to-earth reporting from guys in trucks. Salt-of-the-earth types, y’know?”
All the old guys who yell in trucks plan to hold weekly meetings at Burger King to catch up over their $4.99 breakfast specials, which they hope will one day be financed by taxpayers.