BREAKING: Local dad declares it ‘just fine’ to eat processed, red meats

BREAKING: Local dad declares it ‘just fine’ to eat processed, red meats

Minto — Saying he doesn’t “put much stock in all the talk of ‘meat this, cancer that,'” Minto, N.B. resident and father of three Garrett Williams declared that eating processed and red meats shouldn’t do anyone any harm.

“It’s just hype, as far as I’m concerned,” said the 54-year-old who has no scientific background of any kind. “This week it’s bacon, next week it’ll be tomatoes or Pepsi. It’s just fine to eat meat — always has been, always will be.”

Williams, who has never so much as read an article about health, went on to explain that he never changes his diet regardless of “what the latest fads are tellin’ ya” or “what the hotshots at the World Health Organization have to say.”

“Sausage was good enough for me growing up, and it’ll be good enough for the lot of you,” he grumbled, nodding toward his grown children who were shaking their heads in embarrassment. “They can find ‘facts’ to support anything they want — next thing you know they’ll be saying beer causes liver damage or cigarettes ruin your lungs.”bacon

A Manatee reporter showed Williams a thick stack of research and evidence-backed studies that draw an indisputable link between consumption of processed meats and cancer diagnoses.

“It’s like I said earlier; pepperoni and ground beef never hurt anyone — in fact, it’ll put hair on your chest, as my dad used to say. You’re tellin’ me he was wrong? Look at me! I’m the bloody picture of health,” explained the overweight construction worker who is known to call salad “rabbit food” and people who suffer from Celiac disease “crybabies.”

“You can’t eat nuts and seeds all your life,” Williams concluded.

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