Fredericton — In a sudden and shocking turn of events, New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant has announced today that he will be stepping down from office effective immediately after finally coming to terms with the fact that his job as premier has in no way garnered the attention of ex-girlfriend Tracey Lipton.
“Everything I’ve done in the past several years, my interest in politics, my rising through the ranks of the Liberal party and being sworn in as leader of this province was a result of nothing more than efforts to get the attention of Tracey,” said a teary-eyed Gallant at a packed press conference in Officers’ Square. “I thought I was really doing something for this province, but given Tracey hasn’t sent me a single text or Facebook message in 2 years, apparently not. That’s why, effective today, I am officially relinquishing my duties as premier.”
News of Gallant’s sudden resignation has left many in the province bothered and confused. “To an extent I can understand the motivations of a guy who really has a crush on a girl,” said Fredericton man Paul Simmons. “But to quit your job because she’s doing her own thing and isn’t taking interest in whatever the hell you’re doing… Jesus Christ man, have some self-respect.”
Many in the press attending Gallant’s resignation announcement were similarly embarrassed for the heartbroken man. “To say the least it was awkward to watch,” said CBC reporter Rebecca Hines. “No one wants to see a grown man cry, especially not over an ex-girlfriend.”
Gallant, staring intently into each and every news camera, stated that his future plans include rock-climbing in Tibet, camping alone for 30 days in rural New Brunswick, and that he will absolutely not be changing his phone number.