Fredericton — Watch out, New Brunswick — Shakira is back in town, and she’s ready to tear it up. Premier Brian Gallant’s older sister is best known for her lavish style, confident strut and no-nonsense sass. Although she is admired by plenty of New Brunswickers, many residents can’t help but wince upon learning of her visit.
“Shakira is… a controverisal figure. No one can deny the sheer sexual energy that she emanates, but at the same time, she can be a little intimidating,” explained Manatee political analyst Rob McPhee. “We all remember how she pressured Brian into cutting budgets to buy booze for her massive party shortly after he won the 2014 election. This is her first visit since then, so I think the province as a whole is bracing itself a little.”
Premier Gallant is perhaps the least enthused of all about his older sister’s visit.
“Of course I love Shakira. We grew up together, we played in the mud together as kids, we both tried running away from home. But as she got older her priorities shifted,” confessed Gallant. “Instead of spending time with her little brother, Shakira chased boys with fast cars and leather jackets. Now she always seems to have rich guys trailing after her, trying to win her heart, but, newsflash — nobody can tame her. She’s a wild stallion that needs to be free. I just wish she’d be ‘free’ in another province.”
Gallant showed our reporter a photo from his desk of himself and his big sister at Crystal Palace in Moncton. In the photo, Gallant is holding Shakira back as she tries to beat up an attendant of one of the rides for not letting them on because they were too tall.
“She just always does things like this,” vented Gallant. “We’ll all be having a great time, and Shakira suddenly decides that she’s not getting enough attention, so she’ll start a fight or break something and get us kicked out. I am NOT letting her get me kicked out of the legislature. I’ve really got a good thing going here.”
Despite the concern over her visit, some New Brunswickers are massive Shakira fans. “O-M-G, Shakira is here? YASSS!” screamed Patti Munn, who follows Shakira on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Tumblr, YouTube, Vimeo and even Tinder. “She is the goddess of divas, the queen of Latifas, and even won Miss New Brunswick five years in a row! If she’s here, this province has achieved a whole new level of cool. Tourism is going up this summer, believe me.”
The Manatee could not reach Shakira herself due to her extremely busy schedule, but our reporter managed to get a hold of Georgia Hilton, one of Shakira’s close friends who knows some of the older Gallant’s plans while visiting New Brunswick.
“You know how it is. N.B. is gonna be lit when we’re through with it. First my girl is going to the Hopewell Rocks and getting one of her followers — Ramone — to chisel her fine booty onto the rocks so people have a real reason to visit, if you know what I mean,” explained Hilton. “Next up we’re hitting the Moncton casino and you know things are gonna be cray-cray to the max! Then we have to stop in to visit her lame little bro, Brian. He’s such a boy scout — always telling us to stop, or think of the consequences, or the public’s rights or whatever.”
Hilton finished by stating that Shakira has a surprise in store for Brian: she managed to land him a spot on the hit TV show What Not to Wear. Tune into the show July 15 on TLC to see Premier Gallant’s much-needed makeover. Spoiler: he “gets jiggy with it.”