Fredericton — The Conservative party has obtained and released a draft copy of the Liberal jobs plan for New Brunswick. The document reveals that Gallant had been working on a job-creation initiative that included “breaking shit” and then “rebuilding it.”
The proposal has raised several questions from public officials. Consequently, though he was initially upset over the unauthorized release, Gallant called a press conference to explain the documents.
“Listen,” he began, patiently. “I’m just saying that everybody is all, like, hyper-focused on bringing new businesses and infrastructure into the province when we have a bunch here already. What I’m proposing is that we just tear those down, and hire local contractors to make new ones.”
Gallant became increasingly agitated as members of the press continued to express their confusion. He quickly gave up on fielding their questions and gestured to an intern, who wheeled out a small-scale replica of Saint John.
“Guys. It’s really simple,” he said, smashing a tiny pulp and paper mill with a hammer. “First we demolish it, then we hire New Brunswick labourers to put it back together again.”
How does he expect to pay for the project? Surely, he doesn’t expect business owners to foot the bill to demolish and reassemble their own property.
“Well, before the Conservatives mucked everything up by releasing these documents,” he said, “I had, without the knowledge of the companies, drafted some tentative under-the-table deals with several independent demolition groups… like ISIS.”
The press fell into stunned silence.
“Well shit — I didn’t say it was legal.”