Fredericton — A 37-year-old Frederictonian is taking a unique approach to finding love on the open road. “Plenty of Fish wasn’t working for me,” Steve Johnson told this Manatee reporter. “I’d sent out dick pics to dozens of women, but no one was biting.”
After the flurry of rejections, the hapless suitor decided to take his search for a soulmate to the streets of Fredericton’s north side, and he’s gaining some notoriety.
“I’ve been driving around Nashwaaksis displaying my manhood and the response has been huge,” he said with a wink.
Indeed, it has! Even Canada’s national news broadcaster has jumped on the bandwagon reporting on the man’s pursuit of romance as he motors around the downtown area like a mating peacock on full display while asking women if they need a drive.
“I can totally tell by the look in their eyes and their gasps of astonishment that they are surprised by what I have to offer,” Johnson said. “Not only do I have my own sweet ride — a grey Hyundai Elantra — I have the dexterity to drive one-handed.”
Johnson’s Plenty of Fish profile describes him as a Caucasian male in his 30s with a heavy-set build and pale complexion. “But that profile doesn’t do me justice,” he claims. “I’m just a really nice guy.”
But Fredericton Police are warning the cock-stroking Casanova that he is about to find himself in a sticky situation. “We don’t condone this sort of behaviour,” Fredericton Police Chief Leanne Fitch said at an early afternoon press conference. “This is yet another example of a Fredericton driver operating a motor vehicle while using a hand-held device.”
Fitch warned that if Johnson is caught red-handed, he’ll be charged with distracted driving under the Motor Vehicle Act.
Meanwhile, Johnson has garnered plenty of attention, but hasn’t scored any dates yet. “I’ve been really putting myself out there and talking to lots of attractive women on the street, but so far it’s been hit or miss.”
Still, he isn’t deterred. “With all this exposure, I feel like I’m this close,” he said, holding his thumb and forefinger 5 and a half inches apart, “to reaching the climactic end of my love story.”
This article isn’t funny. I know one of the women who was targetted by the man who the police are currently looking for. It was a traumatic and awful experience for her. This kind of shit really shouldn’t be taken lightly.
I think I’d be traumatized too! OH NO she saw a penis!!! LOL seriously. If she was traumatized by that she needs to get out more hahahahaha
This may come as a shock to you, but being approached by a man exposing himself and feeling like you’re about to be assaulted is actually fucking terrifying
Pathetic. If this is genuinely your most thought provoking way of handling such a vile situation, maybe don’t try to handle it. But what do you expect to come from a male perspective?
Mansplain all you want, you’re losing followers after something like this.
This satirical article is a political statement that uses humour and ridicule to illustrate several unsavoury and harsh realities for women:
– Unsolicited dick pics on Plenty of Fish, Tinder, etc are not that far removed from a guy driving around flashing his junk
– Men who do these things hold delusional (and perhaps dangerous) beliefs that they will either somehow attract women, or at the very least shock and frighten them
– Law enforcement and the legal system in general are often not particularly helpful and in many cases, do not take these matters as seriously as they should (ie reduced charges, minimum sentences, peace bonds instead of prosecution)
As the writer of this article (and a woman), I REFUSE to apologize for the use of a time-honoured literary style to bring attention to the creepy fuck who’s been harassing unsuspecting women in the Fredericton area.
This article not only publicizes the issue to an audience who may not have seen the CBC article, it includes the same descriptions for the offender and his vehicle that was released by the Fredericton Police.
I have been personally threatened with rape, both in person and online because somebody didn’t like something I wrote. And you know what scares the shit out of me as much as the pervasive rape culture and male entitle that encourages dick pics and flashers: censorship.
Its so sad when you have to explain the concept of satire to people reading satirical articles on a satire website…
Hilarious article, and it very much highlights all the fucked up shit that is happening in this situation
A Very well written reply ABBY