Fredericton — Local man Kyle Hemsworth, 28, was thrilled today to finally receive the recognition he deserved for his outstanding work with Canada Bank.
The well-known financial institution employs roughly 750 people in its call centres alone, which are located in downtown Toronto, Halifax and Fredericton.
Hemsworth began his career just over six years ago at the Fredericton branch in a training team of 20 people, and quickly surpassed all of them in skill and in sheer determination to provide top-notch customer service to the hundreds of irate customers calling daily about their banking.
“When people call in demanding I refund them money they don’t remember having spent, or asking me to open 5 RRSPs without being willing to provide so much as their name, I always keep my cool,” he explained. “Not only that, but I’ve managed to out-sell anyone else here, and earn thousands of dollars for the corporation that keeps me floating just above the poverty line,” he said, still wearing a headset, ready to take the next call.
Today, Hemsworth received an email asking him to skip his break and come to his manager’s office for a chat. When he walked into the fluorescent-lit cubicle, he was greeted by three bosses who shook his hand and presented him with a black-and-white Microsoft Word printed-out certificate of achievement.
His manager, 30-year-old Cassia Reynolds, said that Hemsworth “has never been the perfect employee, but he’s always made lots of money for the bank, and has rarely questioned the status quo. He’s never even had that miserable, depleted look that most of our employees wear daily.”
“He’s just never given us much trouble, so we figured he should have a reminder of that to pin above his desk,” she added. “You know, until we move him to a different desk tomorrow when the new training class starts.”
The Manatee asked Hemsworth what his greatest struggle has been over the years. He said with conviction that the most difficult part of the job “would have to be that one time I came back almost a full minute late from lunch. I got caught up in the conversation I was having, and before I knew it, it wasn’t 8:30 p.m., but practically 8:31,” he said, the pain still evident in his eyes. “What kind of monster steals time from a huge corporation like that? I’ve never gotten over it,” he related with utter sincerity.
As Hemsworth proudly taped his hard-earned certificate reading Most Acceptable Employee, October 2014 in view of all the other employees, he told our reporter: “Since the very first day our training class was herded out onto the floor like cattle to begin handling the bank’s dirty work, I knew I’d found my home.”
Obviously fake. There are no typos in the certificate.