Cambridge-Narrows — In hopes of rejuvenating this stagnant community in South-central New Brunswick, the Cambridge-Narrows village council has voted unanimously to change the community name to Saint Bibiana.
Settlers reached the area in the 1780s, and witnessed things going downhill ever since. The name Cambridge-Narrows is believed to have come from these early English settlers, one of whom was named Cambridge, and who drowned in the stretch of dangerous water called The Narrows.
The community has had 3 major industries over the last 200 years — fishing, forestry and steamboats — all of which are now just memories of the old and incontinent. Today, most folks are known for slacking, complaining about the weather and government, and washing their pickup trucks after a trip to the dump. Clearly, the community needs a new hero.
Mayor Blair Cummings, during the announcement of the name change, stated that he believes that “in choosing the name and the spirit of that person, we will rejuvenate our community. Without a doubt, renaming our village to Saint Bibiana will fill us all with the inspiration to go out and do more.
“Saint Bibi — as we have taken to call her — is just perfect. We couldn’t have found a better revered member of the holy choir if we’d made it up,” said the mayor.
Research by The Manatee staff revealed that Saint Bibiana was the patron saint of hangover sufferers, the syphilitic, cross-eyed children and the chronically depressed. She was martyred for refusing to put out and defending her virginity until her death in the 4th century in Rome, and was sainted soon after.
An official renaming ceremony will take place in the spring, once the ground thaws and all the old signs can be pulled out of the ground.
Worst part, it’s the mayor selling them the booze, he runs the NB Liquor agency store there.