Ottawa — The Government of Canada is ponying up a steep sum to pay Omar Khadr to pluck his godawful unibrow.
The Toronto-born former Guantanamo prisoner has been accused of maintaining the worst unibrow the world has ever seen. But, the Canadian government is offering up $10M if he’ll just groom the goddamn thing and be done with it.
“Worth every penny, as far as I’m concerned,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, who, being a particularly attractive man, is especially offended by the unkempt brows.
“It’s supposed to be eyeBROWS, not eyeBROW, amirite?!”
“I can’t even hear what he’s saying — that thing is so distracting,” said journalist Kate Morrisey, who has interviewed Khadr on several occasions. “When he talks I just stare at it and nod along. It’s mesmerizing. I mean, has he ever plucked it? Or waxed? It would take seconds but I think it would make all the difference in the world to Canadians.”
Some Canadians are skeptical of the high price to get Khadr to deal with his facial hair, but most are relieved it’s finally going to happen.
“Honestly, $10 million, $20 million — whatever it takes,” said John Kilcollins of Burlington.
Khadr has said that his eyebrow is part of who he is, and if Canadian citizens want to see it gone, they’ll have to pay up.
“It’s my very identity,” he expressed, “but I’ve been offered a fair price, so I’ll do it for the good of everyone.”
Khadr has an appointment to have the brow waxed at Ottawa’s Hair Republic Beauty Lounge on Saturday at 8 p.m. At press time, the salon’s estheticians were playing Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine who would have to actually touch the nasty thing.