New Brunswick — The government of Canada is listening to its people and giving them what they want — a quicker way through New Brunswick.
It was announced early Monday morning that the Canadian parliament has passed a regulation that will see New Brunswick’s highways increase their speed limits from a maximum of 110 kilometres per hour to a staggering 250 km/h to let people get through the Picture Province “as quickly as humanly possible.” The minimum will now be 110 km/h to ensure passers-through don’t have to worry about being stuck in New Brunswick for any longer than necessary.
This decision comes after thousands of residents from all over the country complained to the federal government about wanting to get through New Brunswick without spending too much time there due to its “overall awfulness.”
Prince Edward Island Premier Wade MacLauchlan is said to have been the most vocal supporter of the speed limit increase. “People want to come to our island, but spending a few hours driving through New Brunswick is a major deterrent for them,” he expressed. “And really, can you blame them? I absolutely refuse to drive to Quebec, even if the beer is super cheap, just because I can’t stand how boring New Brunswick is. I mean we get it, you’ve got trees — wow.”
Katherine Howe from Ontario said she hasn’t seen her family in Nova Scotia in more than 10 years because they can’t bring themselves to make the drive, and flying is just too expensive. “I don’t mind the other 10 hours of the drive, but those 4 in New Brunswick are so brutal,” she explained. “Not only is it ugly and boring, it’s scary too. Imagine if I broke down somewhere like Saint John or something — I’d be done for.”
Howe went on to say that she feels “icky” while driving through New Brunswick and had only ever attempted the trek once before. “I was young and stupid, I guess,” she admitted. “I had never seen so much camo in my life — I was scared that people were always hiding in the trees and bushes.”
Premier Brian Gallant is not in support of this legislation, but neither does he actively oppose it. “I think it’s pretty terrible for our province actually,” he told The Manatee, “but what am I supposed to do about it? I’m just one guy… one really handsome guy.”
The new limits come into effect immediately and should cut travel time through New Brunswick in half for most motorists.