Cap-Pelé — A beach in Cap-Pelé has won the coveted “Blue Flag” designation, meaning it meets international standards for beaches that are safe and have exceptional water quality. Aboiteau is the first beach in New Brunswick to qualify for the Blue Flag.
“We know Parlee will never be able to get this designation based on their own piss-poor water quality, so we’re setting up security cameras and hiring guards to keep an eye on the flag so no Shediac bums try to make off with it,” said Cap-Pelé police officer Const. Brad Boudreau. “That flag is the pride of the community and we’re going to be on watch 24/7 to keep it safe.”
Parlee Beach in Shediac has been making headlines in recent years for water quality issues, including high levels of fecal matter found in the water where children and families regularly swim.
“It just sucks cuz we don’t got much else going for us other than that giant lobster,” said lifelong Shediac resident Al Whitman. “It’s pretty damn tempting to go capture that blue flag, you know, and put it up at Parlee. It’d be easy to do…it’s only a 19-minute drive according to Google Maps, and it’s the kind of thing you could get away with if you go quietly, and at night. Surely they can’t be protecting it at all hours.”
Whitman disclosed that, to tide them over until they acquire the real deal, he and some friends have created their own blue flag to put up at Parlee.
“We took a white flag, soaked it in our water, it came out brown. So we just added some yellow to it until it was blue enough to pass,” he said, waving a sodden grey piece of material at our reporter. “That looks pretty blue to you, eh?”
Cap-Pelé Mayor Serge Léger says that no would-be thieves will enter the beach area on his watch.
“We’re not allowing anyone from Shediac to visit Aboiteau this year,” said Léger. “We’ll be erecting a fence and checking IDs and addresses at the gate. If you’re from Shediac, just stay at your own shitty beach. We don’t want any trouble.”
Police are asking that any visitors to Aboiteau keep an eye out for anyone who looks like they’re from Shediac — cigarettes, jean shorts and scraggly beards are all telltale signs of a Shediacer. If anyone spots one, they are encouraged not to approach them, but to contact the police immediately.