New Brunswick — There has been a great deal of controversy lately surrounding the President’s Choice brand of food products, which are found at Atlantic Superstore, Dominion, No Frills and Shoppers Drug Mart.
Last week, it was determined that the brand’s gluten-free chicken strips did, indeed, have trace amounts of gluten. More recently, an investigation by the Canadian Food Inspection Agency found that the company’s “vegan” burgers actually contained animal by-products — namely, mouse droppings.
“We’re a vegan household,” said one concerned parent. “So it’s especially upsetting to know that we might be eating animal by-products, despite our best efforts to read the labels.”
Company CEO Galen Weston Jr. issued a video statement earlier today to address the problem.
“Listen, I’m not going to make excuses about this,” he said solemnly. “It is true that animal by-products have been found in our vegan produce, and for that, we are profoundly sorry.”
After this brief mea culpa, he went on to explain how the company intends to do better in the future.
“Unfortunately, mice droppings are an essential part of the President’s Choice brand — practically indivisible from the products themselves,” he continued. “We can’t help that. But, what we can do, is ensure that the mice in question are ethically treated.”
The video then cut to a shot showing Weston, looking adorable in a red vest and white hardhat, standing in the President’s Choice shipment factory. All around him, hundreds, perhaps thousands of mice could be seen running across the floor, climbing up the equipment and spilling from holes in the walls like a furry faucet.
“As you can see,” he yelled, so as to be heard above the squeaks and clawing, “Our factory is entirely free-range, allowing the animals to move freely about the area.
“Not only is it the better thing to do,” he added, lightly brushing a pair of squirming mice off of a cheese bagel and placing it in his mouth.
“It just makes it taste better.”