Upper Kent — One young man in Upper Kent, N.B. is representing two different parties during the provincial election slated for Sept. 14. Kyle Miller, 21, who goes by Rowan Patrick when his Green personality is dominant and Meriet Gray when his NDP personality takes over, is not himself interested in politics.
“So…what is this interview about?” asked Kyle, when our reporter turned up at his parents’ home to interview the emerging politician. “I think you have the wrong guy. I don’t give a flying crap about this election. In fact I didn’t even know there was an election until you got up in my business. I’m just trying to crush Monsters and catch up on UFC. Go talk to my parents — they’re upstairs and would probably love to listen to your bullshit.”
Kyle’s parents provided more information about their brutish son and his more refined egos.
“He was your typical kid, but then when he was old enough to vote, these new personalities starting coming out,” said his mother. “We figured it was just teenage hormones, you know, making his thought processes a bit wonky. At least it’s easy to tell which person he is at any given moment — he’ll wear orange when he’s Meriet, and green when he’s Rowan.
“When he’s Kyle, he just wears baggy jeans with his boxers sticking out, and an awful oversized Tapout t-shirt,” she continued, shaking her head. “Maybe I should be concerned, but to be honest, Rowan and Meriet are like the sons I never had — they’re interested in filmmaking, they dress in a more dapper manner, they have a sense of civic pride and duty. It’s every mother’s dream!”
Kyle’s dad said that after his son punched a hole in the drywall when they bought him the wrong brand of microwavable pizza pockets, they punished him with grounding.
“That’s when I noticed, I guess. Weirdly, instead of moping and cursing us out, he started making signs and campaigning for two different parties. I don’t know how long he’ll keep this up. I also don’t know who to vote for — I mean, I’ve always just voted Conservative but both Meriet and Rowan have solid platforms that make a lot of sense. How can a parent choose just one son?”
Our reporter asked whether the constituents of Carleton-Victoria have noticed that the Green and NDP candidates are technically the same person.
“Oh, my lord, no,” said Mrs. Miller. “You could colour a garbage can red and it would win here. Our boy…boys?…have no chance but it’s nice to see him…them?…interested in something.”