Moncton — After years of offering free samples of various food products to their loyal customers, grocery mega-chain Costco is finally putting its foot down and saying, “no more.”
“You greedy bastards have had it too good for too long. Next time you want to sample that one-inch-square piece of pizza, you’d better plan on buying the whole thing. I don’t care if it’s some weird new brand your family will hate. That should teach you to quit wasting our time and money,” said Irwin Horricker, manager of the new Costco in Moncton, N.B.
“Back in the day, the sampling booths started out as a way of attracting and retaining customers. But now it’s just a pit-stop for commitment-phobic shoppers to get a free meal without having to spend a dime. We’re not a bloody soup kitchen.”
Horricker said the stores have focussed their security cameras on the sample stations to catch anyone “trying without buying.”
“If you take one of those little plastic cups with five Cheerios inside and you don’t have a bulk pack of Cheerios in your cart by the end of your shopping trip, our trained goons will confiscate your membership card and you won’t be allowed back into the store ever again.
“Our facial recognition technology is no joke — do not make the mistake of thinking you can get away with it.”
“This is absolute bullshit!” cried irate Costco shopper Beth MacDonald. “The only reason I have the membership is for the samples. If I have to buy that gross shit every time I try it, I’ll have to just go back to Superstore. At least there I can steal handfuls of candy from the bulk section.”
Customer Jerry Albright agrees.
“The downsides are starting to outweigh all the great stuff about Costco. Actually being inside the zoo of a store is a nightmare, and I always buy way too much of everything and end up throwing out half my groceries. So now I have to buy the whole bulk package of hotdogs because I tried one bite on a toothpick with some mustard? I’m gonna go broke!”
Layla Gordon, though, works at one of the sample booths in Costco, and she couldn’t be happier.
“This is the best decision my company has ever made,” she said, reclining with her feet up on the sample table. “Now people won’t even make eye contact with me because they’re afraid of having to buy whatever I’m heating up in my little toaster oven. It gives me a lot of time to think and to just relax during my shift. It’s great!”