Fredericton — Amid rampant COVID-19 fears, Canadians everywhere were shocked to find out Monday morning that they not only wouldn’t be getting Roll Up the Rim cups, but would also be denied service if they refused to wear a full-on hazmat suit inside the building.
When customers pulled into their favourite Tims location for their double-double, they were handed a Tim Hortons-branded hazmat suit to wear — and the price of the suit rental was added to their coffee bill.
Numerous Tims patrons were outraged with the decision — as with all changes made by Tim Hortons — but a minority of people agree it’s the right thing to do. Local business-owner Jay Mayfield was one of these people.
“I think this is a really noble thing of Tim Hortons to do. As long as I’m not getting infected the minute I step in there, I don’t care if takes about 20 minutes to set up the breathing apparatus and vacuum-sealed protectors for this suit. More companies should do the same! I mean, it’s too costly for MY business, though.”
On the opposite end of the spectrum, many residents expressed irritation at having to eat their double-chocolate donuts in paste form through a straw in a sterilized container.
“It tastes about the same — I mean it’s all garbage. I got things to do though; it takes forever to eat this. It’s fucking stupid,” said northsider Tina Redman.
There have already been hundreds of reports of customers suffocating in their Tim Hortons-branded hazmat suits. Current tallies indicate that nearly 1,400 people were rushed to the hospital from Fredericton’s Main Street location alone, with 1,250 suffocations stemming from the Prospect Street Timmies.
“My child’s suit was too tight and he had to be rushed off to the hospital, only to find out that there were 600 other competing emergencies within the hour,” said concerned mother Lisa Wilson as she drank her sterilized dark roast through 15 filters. “He’s fine now, thank god, but this has to stop! It’s gotten way out of hand. My baby boy could have died. Also do you know if they’re bringing Roll Up back anytime soon, or what?”
Restaurant Brands International, parent company of Tim Hortons, issued a statement about the ordeal.
“Those weaklings suffocated long before they even got in their hazmat suits! There is absolutely no evidence these events are correlated. People are just going to have to suck it up; the coronavirus isn’t going to get rid of itself!”