Fredericton — A string of deaths in the capital city have been traced back to one common “thread” by police. Many fashionable citizens have perished in recent months, all while shopping for or wearing a Dangerous Dress Shirt by Jeff Alpaugh Custom.
“We’ve been investigating the mysterious deaths, and it turns out, all of the people who died were in some way involved with these ‘Dangerous Dress Shirts’! We’re calling it the Paisley Plague,” said Chief of Police Roger Brown.
“One guy wore his dress shirt during the hottest day of summer, it wasn’t breathable enough and he suffered heat stroke and perished right there during his Instagram photoshoot. One unlucky lady was walking downtown and was looking so fly in her Dangerous Dress Shirt dress, a motorist got distracted by all the colour and crashed their vehicle, killing her and several others in a four-car pileup.
“Another woman was spending so much time on the website designing her own custom Dangerous Dress Shirts that she forgot to eat or drink water and succumbed to dehydration in front of her laptop.
“Yet another gentleman was sporting the Black Widow from the Deadly collection, and he was so amped up from looking so damn good, that his heart stopped then and there. And one guy was heard loudly proclaiming he doesn’t like the brand, and he suspiciously turned up dead the very next day.
“Heed our advice: The shirts are just too dangerous. Add to it the Dangerous Dress Socks, and as a city we really didn’t stand a chance,” concluded a somber Brown.
At a press conference about the incidents, Mayor Mike O’Brien said he stands with the victims and their families in this hard time.
“We need to come together as a city and stop the danger,” expressed O’Brien, whose brightly patterned cuffs and collar stood out against his crisp blue dress shirt and checked silk tie. “Now, I’m not gonna stand here and tell you not to look dangerous — I mean, check me out,” he said, doing a full 360 twirl for the members of the press, “but just know you’ve been warned. It’s not safe and it never has been.”
Jeff Alpaugh, co-owner of the popular brand, said he and his partner Emilee knew the risk they were taking when getting into such a dangerous industry. His defence in the string of fatalities is that he warned people of the danger, but they just didn’t listen.
“We took this thing all the way to Dragons’ Den, we advertised to the world just how dangerous these shirts really are,” reasoned Alpaugh at his studio downtown.
“But no one took us seriously. Maybe now you guys will understand that the World’s Most Dangerous Dress Shirt is no joke,” he said, pausing to take our reporter’s measurements in front of a floor-to-ceiling mirror.
“Think about it. Be about it,” sobbed Alpaugh, wiping away a single tear with a paisley pocket square.