Fredericton — Summer is nearly upon us, and that means it’s time for lazy days at the beach, driving around town blasting Metallica with the windows rolled down — and of course, awesome parties.
The biggest rager of the summer is happening this July in the capital city, and the invite list is so exclusive that it’s limited to only New Brunswick mayors and their dates, and perhaps Premier Brian Gallant with his plus-one.
“Helllllllllllls yeah!!” whooped Fredericton Mayor Mike O’Brien, donning his Ray Bans and cranking up some sick tunes in anticipation of the fun he’s going to have come July 9, the date of the party. “I’m gonna keep it going alllll night, baby!”
The exact location of the event remains a secret because no one wants Saint John Mayor Don Darling to just…show up and make everyone feel awkward.
“Um…yeah, I thought about inviting him,” said Moncton Mayor Dawn Arnold, who’s for some reason co-hosting the event with Miramichi Mayor Adam Lordon. “But…how can I put this delicately…he’s just so lame! He tries to control the playlist, he makes comments about anyone who’s drinking too much, and he does this thing where he drops in on conversations already in progress and tries to make them about how great Saint John is.”
“Yeah, we don’t want to hurt his feelings, but his feelings are very easily hurt so it’s kind of unavoidable, you know?” confirmed Lordon. “We invited him to last year’s party and he called the cops when someone said they were gonna try to score some molly. It’s just molly for god’s sake, not friggin’ heroin.
“Narc,” he added.
The Manatee immediately called Darling to let him know he wasn’t invited, because we aren’t too bothered about his feelings being hurt. To add insult to injury, we told him that even the mayor of St. Stephen was invited, and he’s not exactly topping anyone’s “cool” list.
“I don’t believe anything you say, because you’re just fake news,” pouted a petulant Darling. “And if it is true, let them have their fun if they want to. It won’t be that great without me there. I was going to bring my patented tequila Jell-O shots — they can kiss those goodbye.”