Saint John — The mayor of New Brunswick’s Port City has finally had it with people poking fun at him, and has decided to ban jokes not only at his expense, but at Saint John’s expense too.
Mayor Don Darling this morning issued a nationwide decree that no one — resident of Saint John or otherwise — may laugh at, mock, joke about, write about, or even talk about him unfavourably.
“Look, I like to think I’m an easygoing guy, but enough is enough!” he declared, frowning solemnly, waving a notice written in calligraphy on a scroll. “I’ve overheard people making fun of my dumb socks or saying I’m not as hot as Mel Norton. I already spend most of my day leaving angry comments on Facebook and Twitter, but somehow even that hasn’t stopped the jokes!”
The mayor, seemingly confused about his actual power as a municipal politician in a small province, said that anyone caught joking about him or Saint John will be put to death immediately, without a trial.
“Fear is the best detergent,” he said, probably meaning “deterrent.”
“If people are afraid of me, they won’t make fun of me, will they! I doubt we’ll need to actually put anyone to death, but if there’s no real consequence, there’s nothing to prevent jokes that I don’t like or understand.”
Darling has tasked the Saint John Police with capturing anyone who disobeys the new rule, and with carrying out capital punishment in a timely manner.
“So, wait, I can’t even say Saint John smells anymore?” asked uptown resident Beth MacQueen. Within moments, sirens were heard and cops turned up to arrest MacQueen — and administer a lethal injection on the spot.
“Let that be a lesson to the rest of you!” bellowed Darling.