Saint John — It just got harder to claim damages for broken struts and bent rims for residents driving on city streets. City of Saint John officials have recently discovered a massive crater on City Road that scientists believe may be the result of an ancient meteor striking the planet.
“With our constant warming and cooling cycles, sometimes artifacts are brought to the surface,” said Kelvin Reese, director of operations for the Saint John Works department. “In this case, a meteor crater suddenly appeared on a well-travelled city street.”
After receiving a staggering number of complaints and damage claims from local drivers, officials reallocated transit funds to hire scientists to investigate the massive crater.
Dr. Kristoff von Zaius, who holds a PhD in metaphysics and mystical transpersonal counselling as well as several certificates in Reiki, made the connection between the massive hole on City Road and the extinction-level event that brought an untimely end to the Palaeolithic era. “There’s no doubt in my mind,” said Dr. Zaius at a press conference Wednesday. “Not only did a meteor hit our planet and send the Earth into a period of darkness millions of years ago, I have seen similar craters on other Saint John streets and I think it may have been an apocalyptic meteor shower.”
Not all citizens are convinced that Saint John was the nexus for the dinosaur armageddon.
“I’m not buying what they’re selling,” said 89-year-old Janette King, a devout member of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. “First off, the world is 6,000 years old, not a million. There were no dinosaurs. All those gigantic bones were put on Earth by Satan to trick us into believing in the theory of ‘evil-ution.’ I can’t believe our politicians are letting Beelzebub dictate how they repair the roads!”
In the meantime, the city has marked the meteor crater with an orange pylon and suggests motorists drive with due care and caution. “We will no longer be accepting claims of vehicular damage,” said Reese. “The crater is of historical and scientific significance and drivers that damage it with their cars had better be prepared to pay public nuisance fines while we decide how we’re going to route traffic in the area.”
As of press time, the city continues to investigate Dr. Zaius’s meteor-shower theory. A paving moratorium has been enacted while officials work with scientists to determine which potholes are ancient meteor shower damage and which are actually just potholes.