Province’s shameless drunks announce need for cigarettes

Moncton — In a somewhat comprehensible statement to the press held in front of Moncton City Hall late Thursday night, Cody Johnson, representing the province’s 40,000 odd intoxicated bar-, nightclub- and party-goers urged — for those who could spare one — “just a smoke.”

“We’d like totally appreciate it,” said Johnson, stumbling and swaying from side to side. “You know what it’s like man, and if we see you around sometime we’ll totally get you back, bro.” The sentiment appeared to resonate with the 200 or so smokeless drunks in attendance; however, the cheers of support were too varied and too profane to repeat.

drunks“Hey and if you could give us a couple we might have like a toonie or something,” continued Johnson while searching through his pockets to no avail. “Well I guess not, but if any of you guys got just one that’d be cool.” He then leaned down haphazardly to speak directly to a journalist off mic. The reporter was seen giving Johnson a cigarette, and upon lighting the cigarette Johnson slowly staggered off, bringing the brief press conference to an abrupt end.

Once the crowd dispersed, The Manatee caught up with a few remaining supporters in the area to get their take on the intoxicated/cigaretteless dilemma.

One unnamed male — who was available for comment but not sober enough to communicate it intelligibly — appeared to express his concurrence with Johnson by miming a smoking gesture with his fingers while lying in a snowbank off Botsford Street.

After unsuccessfully soliciting a cigarette from several passersby, a clearly inebriated Kimberly Brines stated: “We usually don’t smoke, but sometimes when we’re drinking we just totally need one … hey you wouldn’t happen to have one by the way? Oh my God if you could spare us one we’d totally be like your best friend right now.”

According to a recent poll by Statistics Atlantic, nearly 1 in 5 intoxicated New Brunswickers without cigarettes were found to be in desperate want of them, with reasons ranging from “forgetting their pack at home” to just “really just needing a f*cking smoke right now.”

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