New Brunswick — Local dog Barkley Brewster claims he was born sometime in November about four years ago, but his owners, who purchased him three months later, are making a big deal out of his birthday being today.
“They made me pose for photos and posted a big sappy thing on social media about my birthday being today and how much joy I bring them — news flash: I existed before they decided to buy me from the breeder. What a slap in the jowls.”
Brewster said his owners taped a colourful “Happy Birthday” banner on the wall, blew up some balloons, strapped an uncomfortable party hat on his head, and even got him a cake.
The dog claims his favourite treat, however, is table scraps or the occasional Big Mac remnant left in a soiled McDonald’s bag on the sidewalk.
“But let’s be honest, the cake wasn’t really for me — they took it away and threw it in the garbage right after taking the pictures for Facebook.”
Brewster informed our reporter that he’s not one for fanfare.
“I don’t really want a big celebration, anyway. If they’re going to forget my birthday or pretend it’s whenever they feel like, why wouldn’t they choose some Saturday in the summer? That way I could at least go for a stroll in the park. Now I’m just back in my kennel waiting for tomorrow.”
At press time, Brewster told us that even his name is wrong.
“My mom just called me ‘Bud.’ But nope — now I’m ‘Barkley Brewster’…how embarrassing is that?
“And they keep calling me their ‘son,’ which is kinda creepy,” continued the canine. “They’re really smothering me with their love. I wish they’d just have a kid so I could go back to being a dog.”