Downy introduces new space-time fabric softener

New Brunswick — With the release of a bold new product, Downy claims they have softened the last frontier of fabrics: space-time. The product, which hit the market Tuesday and is now available in most grocery and convenience stores across New Brunswick, is taking the fabric-softening world by storm. “We all know life can be a little harsh sometimes,” said spokesperson for the company Linda Grace. “We thought, why not soften up the scaffolding in which all matter and beings are inextricably linked?”

Known as Special Relaxivity, the fabric softener differs significantly from Downy’s previous line of conditioners. Each sheet of softener is only 4 cm squared, and rather than placing it in a dryer with a load of laundry, consumers are instructed to apply the tiny sheet to their tongue for 20 minutes. Once the softener kicks in, Downy claims consumers will experience “fluctuations in space-time,” such as breathing walls and a slowing and sometimes speeding up of time.

The new softener is quickly becoming a hit, with many satisfied customers across the province claiming the softening experience was “really messed up.”

downy“Man it was like … I don’t even know how to describe it,” said Moncton man Jason Wellborn. “But a bunch of us are going to do it again this weekend, that’s for sure.”

Market analyst Karen Hynes claims curiosity is what is fuelling the softener’s massive success. “People who’ve tried the product seem at a loss to describe their experiences,” she said. “Most are insisting their friends and family try it themselves in order to fully understand.”

However, there have been reports by some who say they were scared for their lives, and others who insist perceiving an altered state of reality nearly made them go insane.

“I remember yelling at my cat,” said Sussex woman Beth Albright, who tried the softener for her first and only time this week. “He wouldn’t stop looking at me. I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and showering with my clothes on. I was trying to wash his stare off of me but it wouldn’t come out. I thought I was going to burst into flames.”

Grace, however, sees no cause for concern. “She’s fine now though, isn’t she? The instructions state clearly that users must stay positive. No one has ever died or gone crazy from altering space-time. To get the most out of our product, you need only liken the experience to a vacation: enjoy the trip,” she said.

Downy also advises customers not to use the conditioner at work or while driving. “You wouldn’t soften your clothes in those circumstances, and neither should you soften the fabric of the cosmos. For this kind of conditioning, you’re going to need at least several hours of free time.”

The Downy spokesperson also added that the company is currently developing a new liquid space-time conditioner that will supposedly provide a “cleaner, softer” conditioning of reality in half the time.

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