New Brunswick ‘Festival Fest’ promises ‘drug-fuelled, forgettable haze’

New Brunswick — Being hailed as “the Tomorrowland of festivals,” New Brunswick’s Festival Fest is intended to appeal to all the province’s avid festival-goers in one fell swoop. With the increasing number of themed festivals in the province, and most festival attendees being part-time workers in their 20s and 30s, 2014 events saw a decline in attendance as well as complaints of unaffordable ticket prices. A committee of the most zealous festival attendees was formed to remedy the issue.

Fiona Sitwell, who goes by Phyne Darkwing on Facebook, is the chair of the committee. Sitwell promises a tent representing every type of festival, and attendees will be able to hop from venue to venue as they wish — this will allow New Brunswick festival fans to attend one large event instead of paying for dozens of smaller ones throughout the season.

“For those who aren’t yet sick of hearing about their local singer-songwriters, there will be a tent dedicated to bearded white men and white women, both with thick glasses and guitars, that sing like they somehow had a tough life.”

eclipse2Other tents include an electronic dance music tent DJ’d by someone standing motionless while their laptop plays their favourite rave music, tents for psy-trance, drum and bass, hard trance, acid trance, techno, Eurohouse, dream trance and Goa trance, to name a few.

Attendees will be allowed to take all the hard drugs they wish, as their lack of memory coupled with incessant Facebook posts about the event will cause them to convince themselves that they had an amazing time with amazing people. A recap video released weeks after the event will show attractive girls in bikinis having the time of their lives in slow motion (attendees are not likely to ever see these girls at the actual event).

Sitwell assured our reporter that any band wishing to perform must be comprised of members that each belong to at least 5 other bands, and there will be PSAs leading up to the event that explain to indie pop lovers that “indie technically means independent,” and no, their favourite top-40 singers aren’t actually independent artists.

Cities may bid on who hosts the first Festival Fest in a large, empty field, but some cities have already publicly stated that they want no part of it. The City of Moncton issued a statement saying that despite the attendees’ hippie attire, these festivals are wrought with leftover garbage and pollution such as thousands of hula hoops, empty beer bottles, used cigarettes and blunts.

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