Maritimers already put on ‘quarantine 15’

Maritimers already put on ‘quarantine 15’

Atlantic Canada — Self-isolating individuals across Atlantic Canada have powered through their snack stashes quicker than Vin Diesel in a 1970 Dodge Charger.

“There’s not much to do when you’re staying in, so I’ve just been eating chips and drinking beer, and watching The Office for the thousandth time,” said Ellen Demato of Miramichi. “It’s easy to put on a few pounds. I did the same thing in first-year university. But I’ll work it off when we all get back to normal life. Definitely. It’s nothing to worry about.”

Others say “normal life” could never return, so why kid ourselves?

“Somehow I doubt we’re going to be going on a pub crawl or to the movies any time soon, so I don’t feel the need to look good for anyone,” said Matt Humber of Halifax who’s gained 8 pounds so far, mostly in his gut. “I mean other than my wife, but she doesn’t care, right hun?”

At this point Humber’s wife had left the house to go on her morning walk to the mailbox and back.

Experts say the likelihood of burning off the quarantine 15 before summertime are slim.

“Hell, I’m a doctor and I somehow put on 20 pounds already. How is that even mathematically possible? It’s a medical mystery. How many calories am I taking in? I don’t get it!” cried physician Howard Emberton of Moncton. “I still have to go to work, and it doesn’t seem like I’m binge-snacking that much. But maybe I’m an emotional eater? I think I need to consult a therapist and talk it over. Over Zoom, of course.”

Darrah Pitre of Rothesay said her usual gym workout has been replaced by walks to various rooms of her house.

“I go from the living room — I can usually kill quite a bit of time looking out that window, staring at the birds at the feeder, feeling envious that they get to fly free — then I stroll along the hallway to the bedroom, where I lie down and look at the ceiling fan spinning for a while, after that I head to the bathroom and wash my hands while inspecting my roots getting longer in the mirror. After that it’s all the way to the kitchen where I grab a donut to fuel up for a trip downstairs to watch Tiger King in the family room, and later on I go to the laundry room and start a rinse and spin cycle.

“Now, to me all that sounds like quite a bit of activity. So why don’t my pants fit?”

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