Edmundston — The mayor of Edmundston, N.B., is under extreme pressure from the National Energy Board and from New Brunswickers in favour of the Energy East Pipeline. Mayor Cyrille Simard and the city of Edmundston are officially against the proposed route, which would have the pipeline pass through the municipal water source.
The official position of the NEB is that Edmundston is just not cool enough to get on board with the progressive stance that all the bigger, better cities of New Brunswick are taking.
“Look, if Edmundston can’t play with the big boys, that’s no big deal,” said National Energy Board representative Keiran O’Neil, “but I thought Simard was a cool guy — I guess I was wrong. He’s so worried about his precious water… like, c’mon buddy, it’s 2016. I think we have more important things to worry about than water. How about jobs and the economy, for starters?”
The Manatee visited Mayor Simard in his Edmundston office, which was decorated with stupid knick-knacks like pictures of his family and shit. “We know that the risk is minimal,” said Simard, “but that’s not the point. If anything happened, a single spill, it’s our very water that would be ruined. We can’t risk it. I’m sorry, but we just can’t. I’ve made up my mind.”
“Oh my godddd! Could the mayor be any more lame?” asked embarrassed Edmundston resident Kylie McKinley. “He’s going to make us look so dumb in front of all the popular cities. I thought he was an OK mayor, but he’s turning out to be just another dweeby left-wing nut job who cares more about ‘the environment’ or whatever than about our economy.”
“Their water’s already pretty gross… what’s a little oil gonna hurt?” said Tye Blakely, one super-cool Energy East advocate in Saint John who could probably date any girl in the province if he wanted. “I work for Irving Oil and at all our parties we make fun of Simard. Don’t tell him that, but it’s true. He’s such a loser for caring about the city’s water source. Jeez, even my dad is cooler than him.”
Even local schoolchildren are taking part in the Simard-bashing; while driving through town, our reporter overhead a group of kids chanting: “Simard and water, sitting in a tree, E-N-V-I-R-O-N-M-E-N-T.”
Until the mayor stops being such a stuck-in-the-past loser, the pipeline will have to be rerouted away from the watershed for the Iroquois River, which the city relies on for most of its water.
“I don’t care what anyone says — this is not to be taken lightly,” explained Simard, looking like a total nerd in his little plaid button-up. “This is just like in high school when the cool kids said smoking cigarettes couldn’t hurt. Now who’s laughing?”