Halifax — It’s election day in Nova Scotia, and all across the province people are heading out to take part in the democratic process. Elections Nova Scotia, in a bid to encourage younger voters to make their voices heard, has set up elaborate selfie stations in well-off areas, and chucked a few shitty-ass selfie sticks at places that are already dirt-poor and so won’t know the difference.
“We’ve realized that the only way to get Millennials to do anything is to offer them a better Instagram selfie than their friends — and it’s working. They’ve been coming out in droves today to have the chance to look hot while voting,” said Elections Nova Scotia official Barbara Foster. “Hashtag pics or you didn’t vote.”
The selfie-station move has drawn criticism as a waste of taxpayer dollars.
“Not to worry; we’ve saved money by allocating the selfie stations to a few key areas of Nova Scotia. Municipalities that do not have a Starbucks in close proximity did not qualify for an official selfie station,” Foster explained. “However, all citizens are eligible to take and post selfies on social media — that’s a basic human right that we’d never dream of taking away. That’s why we’ve given less important communities these selfie sticks we got at the dollar store.”
Emerson Grant, a farmer from Parrsboro, expressed frustration with the five crappy selfie sticks his community was given.
“All’s we got were these knockoff Dollarama selfie sticks that break after one use, and of course fancy-pants Halifax voters get decked-out stations endorsed by none other than THE Rick Mercer. Typical,” fumed Grant, whose stick broke in half while he was taking an “I voted” selfie.
Digby history teacher Rhonda MacDonald said she has tried to convey to her high school students the importance of voting, but because the kids know their town will realistically never have a Starbucks or a selfie station, they’ve grown apathetic.
“They don’t care to learn about Canadian history or politics — they just want to take pictures of themselves doing those weird duck lips,” lamented MacDonald. “Some of them plan to move away to Halifax and ‘make it big’ one day, but that day is not today. And frankly, I’m not going to bother voting either. I have my own selfie stick, so what’s the point of going to the polls?”
Haligonian Vanessa MacMaster was the first one at her local polling station when it opened at 8 a.m.
“I find I look best first thing in the morning,” said the 21-year-old. “So I showered, did my hair, and followed a YouTube tutorial on facial contouring — even used my best Sephora eyeliner. I must say, this is pretty much the sexiest vote ever cast in Nova Scotia.”
We asked her to disclose which party won her vote.
“I dunno… I think I just went with the blue one. Blue is the most universally flattering. Like c’mon, who’s gonna vote orange for this photo??”