Fredericton — Premier Blaine Higgs announced today that the province would finally be moving into the yellow phase, the last phase possible until a vaccine for COVID-19 becomes widely available.
The news came with much fanfare and celebration, as New Brunswickers can almost return to “normal” life, within the confines of the provincial boundaries.
Bruce Fitch, Minister of Tourism, Heritage and Culture, joined Higgs at the podium to announce the first of several planned celebrations.
“We know New Brunswickers have been cooped up for a long time and it’s taken a heavy toll. Some of you haven’t been hugged in months. We also want to acknowledge that not being able to leave the province for the near future will be very difficult. In order to boost spirits, and in conjunction with the Phase 3 lifting of restrictions, we are announcing several events and celebrations right here in the capital city. Now cue the music!”
Music began to play softly in the background:
Hands, touchin’ hands
Reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you…
Fitch continued: “First, the City of Fredericton will be hosting its inaugural after-dark orgy tonight, downtown in Officers’ Square. You complained about the city cutting down trees and removing the fences there, but thank goodness we did, as we’ll need that extra space for all those naked, sweaty bodies. Feel free to touch as many people as possible. You deserve it after this god-awful dry spell.”
Higgs spoke next: “A kissing booth will be installed in front of the Legislature, with all proceeds going to the province’s frontline workers. Blow your wad planting a wet one on Jennifer Russell or Dominic Cardy as a way of saying thank you for all of their hard work during these unprecedented times. No need to worry about catching COVID-19; we’ve proven it can’t survive in this province.”
Krista Ross, CEO of the Fredericton Chamber of Commerce, took to the podium next.
“The Chamber of Commerce is proud to support local businesses. As such, I would like to announce that next week two of our city’s mattress retailers — Simmons Mattress Gallery and Worldwide Mattress Outlet — will host week-long Love-Ins: John and Yoko-style. Attend with your lover or your friends; we won’t judge. Just show up, bring your musical instruments, some psychedelic drugs, your passion for each other’s bodies, and a hope for a brighter tomorrow. Let’s fill the stores with love and public displays of affection as we celebrate an end to COVID-19, sort of.”
Dominic Cardy joined the podium last, as “Sweet Caroline” continued to play in the background.
“We haven’t forgotten about the kids; they’ve been rather deprived of physical contact too during all of this. We’ll be hosting a tactile day next weekend at Odell Park just for them. There will be mud-wrestling pits set up for the teenagers, and little kids are welcome to just friggin’ lick the snot off each other. We kind of pretty much beat COVID so who cares?”
When asked privately whether he would be partaking in any of the touchy-feely festivities, Higgs replied, “Heck no, are you kidding? Human bodies are disgusting even during normal times.”