Atlantic Canada — The Atlantic Coalition of Insufferable Douchebags, or A.C.I.D., has lately taken notice of the number of children consuming energy and sports drinks such as Monster and Red Bull — and they’re not happy about it.
“Every time I hit up the Circle K for some Monster, it’s out of stock because of these damn KIDS!” whined Haligonian Jay Kyle, a D-bag with two first names. “I’m goin’ through withdrawal, man! What’m I supposed to do? Drink Timmies all day?
“Nah, man, nah,” muttered the coalition’s president, twitching erratically and climbing into his Honda Civic.
Pediatricians, meanwhile, have for the first time found themselves on the side of A.C.I.D., but for different reasons.
“My colleagues and I agree that no one should drink that shit, but especially not kids,” said children’s doctor Martha Crandall of Charlottetown. “These beverages are loaded with sugar, empty calories, caffeine, artificial colouring and harmful chemicals. So we continue to recommend that only D-bags who legitimately think these drinks are cool or necessary consume them.
“Yeah, of course it’s unhealthy for all humans, but the people who drink these are the type no one would really miss anyway…if you get my meaning.”
Fredericton douche Seth Robertson said if he doesn’t get his morning, afternoon and late-afternoon Red Bull, he’s pretty insufferable to be around.
“That stuff gives me WINGS!” he screamed. He then showed our reporter his “new tat” of angel wings on his back. Disgusted, our reporter left the scene before Robertson could explain the deep symbolism behind the tattoo.
Crandall said that, as with most rules, there is an exception.
“Of course, Gatorade is fine to drink if you’re really hungover. It just makes you feel better. But if you’re one of those dickheads who actually drinks ‘sports drinks’ while playing like…ultimate frisbee, just…don’t.”