Fredericton — All staff at the Fredericton Police Force have been suspended with pay indefinitely, due to an internal investigation that launched today.
“It’s obvious that our public has no faith in us whatsoever, with the exception of a few sheep who blindly follow figures of authority,” said police spokesperson Amy Barrett.
“So we’re conducting an internal investigation on ourselves to figure out how we can regain the public’s trust. Until then, we’re all suspended with pay. We’re encouraging our officers to take this time to pursue activities that will make them seem more relatable, such as visiting Hawaii, driving a Tesla or touring Asia.”
The Fredericton Police have been the target of much criticism over the past few years due to officers being dismissed for various crimes ranging from shoplifting, to domestic abuse and drunk driving, while other officers are being charged with falsifying police reports and receiving conduct complaints.
While the force is on paid suspension, the local RCMP districts will pick up the duties of ensuring Frederictonians obey the law.
“We’re just pumped to be able to use that crazy armoured vehicle the cops somehow got the city to buy for them,” said RCMP officer Wayne Duguay. “That thing looks like so much fun to drive. I don’t know when we’ll ever need it, but you can bet your ass we’ll be cruising through the Tims drive-thru in that beast.”
Some capital city residents are sympathetic to the police.
“I’m sad that the ‘Freddy Force’ — as I like to call them — had to suspend themselves, but they deserve a nice break,” said authority-supporter Brian Steeves. “I can’t wait to see all the stats on how many lawbreakers the RCMP catch here. I’ve got a list of licence plate numbers of speeders that I’ll submit to the RCMP the second they take over.”
Meanwhile, the investigation has no set deadline due to it being conducted internally.
“The tricky part to figure out is how we’ll conduct this investigation on ourselves while we’re all suspended and there’s no one here to do it,” admitted Barrett.
“Obviously we can’t have any outside source investigate us, because their perspective will be tainted by all the bad press we get. I guess we’ll have to just stay suspended with pay until someone figures something out.”